Click here to view the embedded video.

Has everyone gone insane?

Seriously, an A4 phone-top? Without a phone? Without a keyboard or a mouse? With that same shiny glaring screen so you can’t read books on it? Unfortunately I don’t have padded A4-sized pockets or a magical inter-dimensional bag of infinite space to carry a new tablet around, and if I did then I’d probably just carry Rachel Riley around instead. I’m quite sure that I would abuse that power.

Big companies seem to be falling over each other to design a new minority report interface without considering that it’s about as useful as a sodding mouse shotgun. Let’s be a bit analytical.

1) The stuff we already have already does everything it does. Better.

What’s wrong with a laptop or a smartphone for browsing the internet when you’re away from your computer? You can take both of those out of the house without a padded iBag, and you can probably carry your phone with you without choosing a custom outfit that makes you look like a desert trekking cyborg.

But what about browsing the internet while you’re slouching on the comfy sofa? Ah, Perfect. Or hang on… couldn’t you use a laptop on your comfy sofa without needing to prop it up against your crotch? Unless you like that kind of thing. Or connect to the internet through your TV using your games console? Thinking about it, there are loads of better gadgets around for that purpose, and you probably already have more than one of them.

I’m drawing a blank here. I can’t help but feel that the primary use for this device is to go on Facebook and touch someone’s face. I can (and regularly do) do that on my Palm Pre.

2) It needs propping up.

I won’t go into detail about many of the championed potential uses of the tablet PC, because frankly it’s all rubbish. It’s not going to make me more productive, Apple. I promise you. There’s no way I’d use it as my primary calendar, or to schedule meetings, edit office documents or tweak photographs. I’d use it to play Bejeweled while Come Dine With Me is on in the background.

You can watch films on these tablet computers. But why watch a film on your tablet when you’re at home anyway? You’ll have to prop it up against a couple of thick books and then reach over to touch it a couple of times whenever you want to pause, like a pretty hooker on ketamine. What’s wrong with a laptop, a computer or your goddamn TV?

“Easy access to recipies” is a sad hopeful mistake too. Even if you’re not horribly lying to yourself (takeaway pizza is NOT cooking), then you’ll still either need a bookstand or leave it to the mercy of the red wine, misbehaving cat and HP sauce.

3) Rule of stuff #6: If it’s small and it’s not useful, then you will lose it.

The problem with thin and flat things is that they’re quite nice to stack other things on top of. Especially if you keep them in the same room as the TV, which you will.

If you live on your own, then you might be able to get away with giving the iPad/Gpad/HPsaucePad its own little space next to the sofa without worrying that one day it will be gone. Most of us have no such security. Within six hours it would be either under a newspaper or stacked in a different room under a mountain of books, clothes and empty cider bottles. We would have to patrol the sofa constantly during daylight hours, or carry it with us at all times in a little iSash or an iPram.

These are devices brewed for the sole purpose of entertaining you while you’re either in bed or already being entertained by something else. Or both. Anything more advanced than “Plants vs Zombies” is going to make you realise that you should stop craning your neck and sit up properly- get yourself a mouse and a keyboard and stop pissing around.

Don’t get me wrong – I love the look of the new tablet PCs, and as a digital artist and musician I can see some niche possibilities. You could rig one up as a custom midi controller, or a sketchpad… If there are multiple velocity or pressure sensitivity levels then it becomes vaguely useful to a professional.

But I’m just confused why consumers are still trying to justify buying one, and amazed that Apple and co. have the balls to try carving out a market for a non-portable laptop that can’t stand up on its own. Any ideas?

*thank you.

It’s still pretty rough around the edges, but hopefully the fact that it’s now “on the internet” will put me under a bit of pressure to get it finished quickly.

Download In Retrospect I Really Don’t Have Enough Self Restraint For A Lapdance

Photos of Madagascar will follow, but in the meantime please check out our travel blog at liamandnish.co.uk. We’ve been told that it’s quite funny.

Oh Dear

I’m migrating the original look and feel of the old website to Wordpress. Rather than transfer the posts across, I’m starting again and giving this site some personal attention. Thanks for being patient as always.