On Bad Innovation and the iPad
Apparently everyone got bored of Haiti last week and decided that touchscreen, keyboardless laptops were a much bigger world priority. Apple’s offering was flatly panned* by fanboys and geeks for lacking multi-tasking, camera and phone capabilities, but at least it renewed interest in the upcoming HP Slate… which is basically the same thing, but with windows and multi-tasking. Today Google leaked pictures of their prototype all over the internet like a bored kitten that can’t quite comprehend why he isn’t the centre of your universe, and yes (thankyou Google) it looks… similar. OK.
Has everyone gone insane?
Seriously, an A4 phone-top? Without a phone? Without a keyboard or a mouse? With that same shiny glaring screen so you can’t read books on it? Unfortunately I don’t have padded A4-sized pockets or a magical inter-dimensional bag of infinite space to carry a new tablet around, and if I did then I’d probably just carry Rachel Riley around instead. I’m quite sure that I would abuse that power.
Big companies seem to be falling over each other to design a new minority report interface without considering that it’s about as useful as a sodding mouse shotgun. Let’s be a bit analytical.
1) The stuff we already have already does everything it does. Better.
What’s wrong with a laptop or a smartphone for browsing the internet when you’re away from your computer? You can take both of those out of the house without a padded iBag, and you can probably carry your phone with you without choosing a custom outfit that makes you look like a desert trekking cyborg.
But what about browsing the internet while you’re slouching on the comfy sofa? Ah, Perfect. Or hang on… couldn’t you use a laptop on your comfy sofa without needing to prop it up against your crotch? Unless you like that kind of thing. Or connect to the internet through your TV using your games console? Thinking about it, there are loads of better gadgets around for that purpose, and you probably already have more than one of them.
I’m drawing a blank here. I can’t help but feel that the primary use for this device is to go on Facebook and touch someone’s face. I can (and regularly do) do that on my Palm Pre.
2) It needs propping up.
I won’t go into detail about many of the championed potential uses of the tablet PC, because frankly it’s all rubbish. It’s not going to make me more productive, Apple. I promise you. There’s no way I’d use it as my primary calendar, or to schedule meetings, edit office documents or tweak photographs. I’d use it to play Bejeweled while Come Dine With Me is on in the background.
You can watch films on these tablet computers. But why watch a film on your tablet when you’re at home anyway? You’ll have to prop it up against a couple of thick books and then reach over to touch it a couple of times whenever you want to pause, like a pretty hooker on ketamine. What’s wrong with a laptop, a computer or your goddamn TV?
“Easy access to recipies” is a sad hopeful mistake too. Even if you’re not horribly lying to yourself (takeaway pizza is NOT cooking), then you’ll still either need a bookstand or leave it to the mercy of the red wine, misbehaving cat and HP sauce.
3) Rule of stuff #6: If it’s small and it’s not useful, then you will lose it.
The problem with thin and flat things is that they’re quite nice to stack other things on top of. Especially if you keep them in the same room as the TV, which you will.
If you live on your own, then you might be able to get away with giving the iPad/Gpad/HPsaucePad its own little space next to the sofa without worrying that one day it will be gone. Most of us have no such security. Within six hours it would be either under a newspaper or stacked in a different room under a mountain of books, clothes and empty cider bottles. We would have to patrol the sofa constantly during daylight hours, or carry it with us at all times in a little iSash or an iPram.
These are devices brewed for the sole purpose of entertaining you while you’re either in bed or already being entertained by something else. Or both. Anything more advanced than “Plants vs Zombies” is going to make you realise that you should stop craning your neck and sit up properly- get yourself a mouse and a keyboard and stop pissing around.
Don’t get me wrong – I love the look of the new tablet PCs, and as a digital artist and musician I can see some niche possibilities. You could rig one up as a custom midi controller, or a sketchpad… If there are multiple velocity or pressure sensitivity levels then it becomes vaguely useful to a professional.
But I’m just confused why consumers are still trying to justify buying one, and amazed that Apple and co. have the balls to try carving out a market for a non-portable laptop that can’t stand up on its own. Any ideas?
*thank you.
Twitter: liamjames
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Ooh, KAOSS iPad, good call.
(yay blooging!)
(My word it’s late. And it’s showing.)
"then reach over to touch it a couple of times whenever you want to pause, like a pretty hooker on ketamine"Aww, I'm glad the hooker is pretty. I agree with you totally but have a slightly different angle. Your arguments are sound for all those gadgetified lovelies out there, but I for example, have a small 14 inch box tv, a in internet phone with a 2 inch screen, and ancient tower pc that is up in the spare bedroom and can't handle youtube, and a DVD player!I do quite like to tit around on bejewelled whilst not really watching come dine with me, and therefore for me, and ipad or laptop come pretty close to being what I need, and I think a lot of people out there are thinking the same. They might be ill equipped internet botherers, but hey, they still pay!If you are already tooled up as you say, there is no point in the machine whatsoever, but that isn't something to get angry about. (as many in the geekdom are)Obviously if I cave in and get an iphone in the next 6 months, then my argument then also becomes obselete!
Thanks Emma!I'm just a little confused as to why all the big companies seem to befalling over themselves to design tablets, because for most people they seemto be a step backwards in usefulness. I'm not confused as to why people want them – they are very pretty.:) x
i think you already worked that one out, it's the 'minority report' syndrome!
I can't see any reason for buying an iPad over any other mobile device be it smart phone, netbook or laptop, other than to use as a stylish coffee table coaster or impress my apple worshipping friends (of which I have no inclination). It's too cumbersome to be truely portable in the smart phone sense and too limited to be truely useful in the laptop sense. Having said that the trend seems to be for more and more creative means by which to waste time and money, so I'm sure it will do brilliantly and I will retreat to a dark corner, quietly lamenting the demise of reason.
Although I may be prepared to change that opinion with the advent of the Microsoft surface: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rP5y7yp06n0, you could play some SERIOUS bejewlled AND not really watch come dine with me on the same screen here. Plus there's no pretense of portability either!
woah mama. The surface is the future! Think of the bejewelled?!
It's almost unfathomable!
I think you've got the target audience wrong. Actually, I think Apple have too.I've been considering a tablet (not specifically an apple one, just any old tablet) for about 6 months, and knowing that products are on their way, I've been waiting out).I do a lot of reading on my laptop, entire books, and the keyboard really gets in the way when in bed (50% of the time I'm reading on it). I like to browse the web whilst watching a tv, but laptops are visually more antisocial. The current brand of netbook like machines don't quite offer the screen real estate as they're focused on being portable.I actually see tablets and surface in the same market space, the computer that's integrated into every day life without feeling like you're sitting at a computer. Some kind of cross between the radio times, expensive and pretty teletext, and a few novels. Always on hand and always without a barrier to entry. I don't think portability is actually an issue as I somehow doubt you'll see anyone ever travelling with just a tablet – that's what a laptop is for.Tablets are already pretty widespread on factory floors for these kinds of uses, they're just trying to bring that to the consumer market.Comparisons to phones are moot, they're totally different devices. Even the best phone browsers (iPhone/Android/Palm Pre/Opera) are an insult to browsing if a better option is available purely down to screen real estate.It's kind of the full web, just through a postage stamp and that's no fun.The tablet is just the natural conclusion of the line of thought that says: People like screens they can read on, people like long battery life, people don't want to learn how to use computers, people like browsing the web, people don't really type all that much.The apple tablet looks kind of cool, but apple are clearly locking flash out to prevent cross platform games, and they're trying to use to to strengthen the app store while capturing a market for books. It's kind of insidious. I'd be interested in jailbreaking one though, because it looks like a nice bit of consumer electronics. I liked the look of the HP Slate because it's the flexible Win7/Surface derived tablet I was expecting.
As David said, the target audience probably isn't those who see a laptop/phone etc as an adequate replacement, but people who will buy it because they can. It's another nifty little gadget from Apple which is a little pointless, but then that's probably half the attraction. It's utterly luxurious and completely indulgent.
i heart plants vs zombies